Slanted, not Enchanted.

Last night I went to a showing of a sculptor’s work with M. He had a wonderful sculpture of her, really beautifully detailed. It was great to be in this environment with M. So many people value her.

But, apparently they also think I should start modeling with her?

I haven’t been on Tumblr a lot, recently.

I’ve been overwhelmed by tasks and lists both of good and bad things.

I am surprised to still be having “firsts” in the city. Why, just a couple a days ago, hopping on a train for my 5:45 shift at Coffee Job, I was in my first train car where an individual was peeing right on the train.

The other day I was on a bus where a man was aggressively addressing the entire bus “I didn’t have no father, I didn’t have no mother. What the fuck you think that did to me? I wanna be a mother, a father, a brother, a sister, a auntie and uncle all in one. All in one.”

The bus driver apologized for him. “He just talks. He clearly needs help. He just talks, but he’s never been violent.”

Everyone on the bus was talking, it was cathartic. But, why couldn’t we deal with this man who clearly needed help? Everyone started joking that he was on crack, that he looked like he was on crack. He didn’t, with the exception of his unkept hair. 

My therapist thinks I’m setting myself up for disappointment. “A Daily list should only consist of two things, tops.” Two things! Holy cow! I do at least five or six, usually.

M. noted how intense my lists are, too. “You have things like “finish script, go shopping. Mine are like ‘eat breakfast, make bed, do laundry.’”

It’s so funny, too. My therapist has told me I need to pretend confidence to find it, make a habit of confidence. My mother just sent me an email about a dog book she was reading that said the same thing. She doesn’t realize how anxious she is. I mean, she does, she just ignores it. She thinks it can’t be fixed. But sometimes, miraculously, it all seems possible.

“Well I guess that is all my news for now.” My mom said. “I hope you feel better and I’ll let you know how the dog show goes. We will be fantastic.”

I’ve registered my most recent script with the WGA. I’m going to enter it in a screenwriting contest. Why not? If I win, I can budget my film. It’s worth a shot.

Have a good day, everyone. We will be fantastic.

I just got a call from a stranger at 8:30 at night to AD on a film.

That does not sound like organization!

Ask for what you want. At least you’ll know if the answer is yes or no.

Pretend that you are confident. When you think negatively about yourself, tell yourself the opposite. It won’t feel real at first. It will feel inauthentic. But, with practice, they say you’ll have more confidence.

I’d love it if one of these days I got an email from a film festival and it wasn’t a rejection letter.

However, this festival in Brooklyn, which rejected me, invited me to a screening for free?

So, I gotta use that, right?

Road trip in the future.

I my dreamiest of dreams, I could identify as soft punk/hard femme.